ohh the late night thinking...

....I really really hope this doesn't come off as me complaining about my life. no no. This isn't the case. Right now it's just "one of those moments" where the thinking wont stop. [[am i feeling down?]] WEIRD. really really weird. Im never sad. genuinely! I can be bummed out about something but it never alters my mood....but lately, man a lot of little things got to me. I feel like this...



Just blank and pensive. [[whyyyy self?!!]]

I do NOT understand where my BLAH-ness is coming from. I've just been simply hard on myself.

[[school]]. Nursing School...medicine,...k yah i know it's not easy but i always had that "eh" im gonna be fine attitude about it. People always say "medicine isn't for everyone"...i said "it can't be that hard"....(reality check)...Medical Pathophysiology devoured me!! 80% - that's nearly failing...i was holding on to dear life and the FINAL came...yep, i died. below a 77 is a -FAIL- ...welp, i joined that group. At first, i brushed it off, no biggie, i can retake it in August and continue with nursing school...im not gonna give up-no way!! and that's [[still]] the plan. To retake the course in August, start hospital rotations and go on from there. Normal yeah?...well, im hard on myself. I feel like a total failure and waste of time. I shouldn't. I know i shouldn't- Nursing School is tough...people drop out all the time and many give up. IM NOT GIVING UP. this is just a set back. But still...being reminded that im not in school right now (even though it's summer) makes me feel-NOT GOOD AT ALL. I feel like a waste of time and space....the pressure from my parent's doesn't help. THey want the best for me- love them. But "you're not doing anything with your life right now, you're not even in school"...yah, those hurt. BAD. Im gonna be a dang Nurse and the best one i can be- sorry for not being a genius and getting destroyed by pathophysiology...but seriously just thinking of how i should be in classes right now through summer make me so mad at myself. I could have read more, studied more-etc. I belive 100% that everything happens for a reason- i truly do. But im being stubborn with this one and blame me 100%. [sure, the class was taught by a coo coo Doctor but whatevs] . It STINKS so bad to feel like a failure. that's what i feel like. Im not even working with my license i have in the state board of Nursing- maybe i should and feel better about myself cause being with patients completes me! Being there to make someone feel better-a perfect stranger- makes me so so happy!! I just uhhhh....bump on the road. It happens- im not the first nor the last person to have a set back in their medical program. Im just upset with myself and feel like im failing at everything. Not a fun feeling. I had a totally positive attitude about it all but really....after the pressure from family comes in- it hurts.


[[dating]] . I hate touching up on this subject cause im not in any sort of rush for anything!! Im a firm believer in "when your time is right"...i really [[really]] believe in that with all my heart and know that if i haven't found someone right now, it's cause im simply not ready, it's not my time, and there is more for me to learn and grow. Got it- totally okay with that and im patient. But what bothers me is the mere lack of (dating). Seriously, guys STEP UP AND ASK GIRLS ON DATES!! [[DATES}} ...no more "hanging out"...call it A DATE!! i go back to the talk by Elder Oaks on dating vs. hanging out. WHY OH WHY do i get stuck on that? it's almost like i need to "not be friends" with a guy so maybe he can see me as "the girl" and not "the friend"...does that make sense? [[though-....the BEST relationships, in my opinion, are those where you end up dating your best guy friend- the guy you are closest to- the one you can text the most randommmm thing to cause something reminded you of them. The one you can tell about your upcoming plans, important things going on or something cool you're excited to buy. A great friend whom you get closer to and before you know it-fall for]].... too much disney? i think not. I think it's out there. Sadly, not all of your "close guy friends" will develop feelings- it happens. it sucks. pero que se puede hacer? No es facil olvidar esos sentimientos, pero de algo sirve la experiensa para que cuando encuentres ESA PERSONA, sepas con sertesa lo que te gusta, y lo que no te gusta. Do i make myself clear? yes.


I felt like i gave myself a pitty party the other night- I missed church on Sunday cause i couldn't walk (I have back problems) and had the worlds biggest headache. Missing church was a bad idea. I felt unhappy that day. Monday, same story. I was just not in my best of moods and i really dont like myself when im not positive. it's weird....it's not me. I'm never negative or bummed out/sad/irritated with everything. I felt just low. weird, even remembering how i felt feels weird cause it's not like me at all. All i knew is i needed out of my house STAT. Monday night i took a venting drive blasting my favorite "CREEP" song by Ingrid Michaelson. Boy, it feels good yelling that song at the top of my lungs. I was in such a weird mood- just not happy and almost mad...but mad at what? how i was feeling inpatient with dating? how i felt like a failure with nursing school? how everything was bothering me and i just wanted to book a flight to Peru? yah...not fun. I wanted to pray about it, read my scriptures, get on my knees to humbly pray. But for some dumb reason, i failed to humble myself to pray!! What was wrong with me!!!! The answer is so obvious that when you're having a rough moment, turn to the One who will lift your heavy heart...but why wasn't i doing that? Why was i not humbling myself to just talk to my Heavenly Father about my hearts desires and pray to be uplifted?...I kept driving and before i knew it...i ended up approaching the Temple. The second i made the turn unto "pioneer" and saw the Temple....I became overwhelmed instantaneously and began weeping. I went driving with a broken heart, ended up at the Temple and sobbed....I just started [[talking]] about how i felt unhappy when i have no reason to be, it's just a weird moment.






.... I was humbled quickly and just spoke my hearts desires concerning life, school and my degree im pursuing and of course the lovely subject of "when's my time going to be right?"...the typical. Without getting into to much of my personal testimony, let's just say the Lord is wonderful- before i knew it, i immediately just stopped crying and the most divine power of happiness came over me. A load taken off my chest and a warm hug was felt. AMAZING. Such an indescribable feeling. I didn't feel silly at all for spontaneously weeping the second i saw the Temple. It was so humbling and i felt SO SO SO SOOOOOO loved and reassured that I wont' be denied of any blessings [[Patriarchal Blessing helped greatly]]. It was SO WONDERFUL to have left my house with a grumpy attitude and come back with the most uplifted heart and spirit....[[such a testimony builder]].

Im silly for being stubborn at first but boy does the Spirit humble you fast! I learned so much from myself this week.

Tonight, i got to thinking again. Similar subject as the ones i had been having a hard time with on Monday- But my Patriarchal blessing sits in my scriptures next to my bed- and picking it up to read it, humbled me once again. GAH if i could write all my feelings down, we'd be here hours!!



1. School...people go back to school at age 2769129...yeah, I'm 20 and a nurse at 21...what was i thinking being so hard on myself? I can do it, i now know what to expect with Patho and i gotta kick it in the butt this August!

2. blah blah blah Im gonna work on ME and do my thing and enjoy life and not stress about dating...if one comes my way, awesome. If not....in due time. Whyyyy was i stressing? there's no need to nor is there an expiration date so geez silly girl stop listening to "society" and focus on yourself....whatever happens happens, until then...Come what may and love it :)

3. I can never ever allow myself to be stubborn and feel like i couldn't get on my knees...what was i thinking? im so grateful for my huge humbling experience upon seeing the Temple....the person i should have turned to FIRST was there all along and will be there unconditionally. amazing, isn't it?

4. The sad spirit doesn't fit me well at all...so,...carry on with my happiness. I learn something everyday and testimony building experiences are always welcomed :)