Graduation!!
Pinning and Graduation was the happiest day and biggest accomplishment of my life!! I graduated on December 14th and I took my State Boards on January 17th, 2013!!
January 17th, 2013 NCLEX
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My big testing day came fast....
...I wasn't sure if i had done the right thing by taking my boards soooo soon after graduating, but I wanted my name to be read as "RN" at Pinning on January 25th. I studied, but I knew i could have studied harder and more diligently. But oh well.
I began to pull out of my driveway to see my Dad walk outside and wave me goodbye and good luck. I lost it. I began to cry cause it was right then that it hit me : I am driving to my "future". If I passed, I'm a nurse...if i fail,...i wait longer to become a nurse. It was SO SCARY!! I began to Pray and started a conversation with my Heavenly Father. I felt comforted.
I pulled up to the testing center and remained in my car as I finished up my Chick-fil-a Chicken Nuggets! (mmmMMmMM...no shame). I said one more prayer and got out of my car.
I went upstairs and got all settled in to test. I walked up to the computer and hit "START"...this was it. The BIGGEST TEST OF MY ENTIRE LIFE was happening. No turning back.
There is a minimum of 75 questions and a max of 265 questions. You can pass or fail at 75 or at 265 questions. I was prideful and said "here comes question 75, i'll be done..."...Wellllll...
....75...
....80...
...90.......okay....i'm sure i'll be done soon, right? I don't think the computer will take me all the way to 265 questions....i think?
....100....
.....150.......uhhh are you kidding me?
fast forward a total of 5 freaking long and painful hours......
265!! ....The computer took me all the way through every single question. 265 questions, 265 chances to fight for my license.
Throughout the test, I prayed. I talked to my Heavenly Father and simply said "Please, be with me at this time and guide me. I need thy comfort to think clearly"....i repeated that to myself. Pleading for my Savior to be with me.
After a couple of hours,...this stupid song popped in my head:
I COULD NOT GET THAT OUT OF MY HEAD!!
I began to freak out a little bit.
- I was exhausted
- my eyes hurt
- i was hungry
- i was thirsty
- my eye sight was getting really blurry
- I felt like i had no idea what i was reading
- i wanted to play with my chihuahua
- i wanted to be done!
longest test of my entire life! longest feeling of uncertainty. longest feeling of failure!!
I can't explain how it feels unless you take some kind of boards that decides your fate! I got home in the worst of moods. i felt so defeated! I was so sure I failed. I didn't feel confidence at all!!
My parents asked how it went and i simply said "i don't wanna talk about it"
Max came over and I wouldn't talk about it, but instead made him get PITCH PERFECT for us to watch. I was grumpy. I was sad. i was defeated!!! I have never felt so depressed in my life! worst feeling ever.
fast forward to the next day around 11am....i get a phone call from another nurse friend who said...
"Congratulations Nurse Darlene!"
cue tears!! I began to cry so hard. I could not believe it. I felt so lost the night before and so sad. BUT HELLO....WHERE WAS MY FAITH? MY HOPE? MY POSITIVISM?
I had thrown the towel in way too soon! I threw my faith and hope out the door before praying for it again. i lost it for those few hours but i was humbled the day after.
I DID IT!!
REGISTERED NURSE!!
It's now April and I still don't have a job. However, I am not throwing in the towel or getting depressed about it. I learned to have more faith in my self and pray for that comfort. It's all in due time. It will come when it will come. In the mean time, i won't give up on trying and i'll push forward. TIMING IS EVERYTHING. And I will never throw the towel in again.
PS. Every time i think of the NCLEX, i get knots in my stomach. EEK!!
PTSD???
